Canonship Sinking ch1
by Endercraft33
Summary: all the characters of all the fandoms collide in this mess of a fanfic, side effects may include crack and ruined childhood


**CANONSHIP SINKING**

**Chapter 1:**_ Abandon hope all ye who enter_

The moon was high in the sky as the hooded figure stalked trough the alley. A strange sound made her turn her head only to show a dark grin, she rushed toward the muffled screams with only one thing on her mind. Her hunger, it blotted her eyesight, she only to late realized the scene she had stumbled upon. In front of her, covered by the darkness of midnight, shaggy was submissively on the floor with in his eyes a vacant look taking Fred's meat like a boss. The hooded figure arrived just in time to hear Fred from Mistery inc screaming the command to shaggy to take it all. The hooded figure had very little self-control, and bused out in a maniacal laughter, startling the two men on the floor.

"The hell…?" Fred shouted while he was unloading in Shaggy's behind.

"Lol I s sry, rly I just needed sm blod" she said in a seductive voice (that was in no way not understandable because she knew how to properly write English like a boss and in no way botched or a pseudo neo-bastardization of this magnificent language).

"What?" Fred said having obvious problem understanding their new pervy voyeur.

Shaggy slowly lifted his head "Dude…rad man…."

"lol ur a fgt or wut m8? Wut ur doing in alley at nit? Ur jst askin to be eatn faggt"

"To hell with this" Fred exclaimed while reaching in his fabulous jacket that was lying next to the duo.

He took out a gun and pointed it at the dark and illiterate figure, and with no hesitation and the fear in his hearth that Daphne might ever uncover the horrible truth about his guys night out with Shaggy 'bowling', he pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the figure right in the noggins, forcing it to fall back. But before Fred could come to realize the price of his secret relations, the figure stood up like nothing had happened.

"WTF U FGT?111 u wot m8? R u fuking crazy r smthing? That fking hurts u muttherfuker"

Fred, in fear, raised the gun once again to shoot at this crazed atrocity that was flaying it's arms before him, but before he could pull the trigger once more, an explosion of blood revealed his now torn off arm flying through the air. In pain he screamed his lungs out as shaggy came to understand what was happening around him and started screaming in duet with his now one armed lover.

The figure slowly removed her hood to reveal a beautiful face beyond any human imagination, long white hair dancing in the wind as she removed the rest of her cloak and let in fall to the floor. Her icy green eyes stared at the duo through the night as her red lips, being nuanced by her pale color, formed a despicable grin.

She was wearing a black leather corset with a black dress underneath that went to her knees, she was wearing big black Jeffery Campbell boots with metal spikes on them, she was wearing black leather gloves with also metal spikes on them, but far sharper than the ones on her boots. Over her corset she was wearing a dark red leather jacket with black laces and a huge "Evanescence" logo on her back. Her stocking was also black and had Marlyn Manson faces on them and went up to her knees. She was wearing under that a pink underwear with the MCR logo on her butt, and a picture of Gerard Way on the front. Her bra was of black leather and in the form of two little kawaii bats on each of her breast.

She stood there in the alley looking over the two poor sods that would soon become her dinner.

Her name was Raven Thornbush, she was 274 years old, but looked like she was 20, she had her vampiric condition to thank for that long lifespan, a long and lonely existence to be sure, especially since she only heard of Marlyn Manson in the 90s, which made her daily wrist cutting sessions much more tolerable.

"Please" Fred pleaded holding the stomp of his arm "Please don't kill us"

"Yeah man" Shaggy added "We like, don't even know you, we never harmed you, dude"

Raven laughed "lol im a vampre and I need ur blaod, that's just the way things go fggt"

"Wait! here" Shaggy said throwing a pair of keys in the general direction of the vampire "Take our van! It's loaded with drugs and liquor, worth more than our lives, please, you bodacious dudette let us go"

"FUK U!11 I dn't wantz ur stupid hippy van so blow me" she said as she stomped her boot in Fred's crotch laughing and spewing more nonsense. She eventually grew tired of crushing the poor man's balls and ripped off the other arm to beat him to death, she then turned to Shaggy who had since long soiled himself and tore him in two, feeding off the blood that was dripping on her.

As she walked away satisfied with her carnage, her foot kicked the keys in the light of the moon.

"Hmm" she muttered to herself "Maybe hafin a ride coud be cool I gess" so she picked the keys now red with blood and walked away in the dark to search her new car.

* * *

"The room's a mess" Lou said for the hundredth time "We really messed up at breakfast"

The stench that hung in the small apartment was getting worse by the day, and the strange black liquid that his roommate was excreting wasn't helping the overall Feng Shue of the place.

But before Lou could finally decide on whether to stare at the Tv screen or to do something productive, the bell rang in a furious echo through the roommates hung-over heads.

With a grunt Lou got up to open the door, before him stood the landlord, an old man named Milfred, most known for his amazing collection of stamps and even more amazing collection of Hustler an weird Asian Porn.

"Milfred, what can we do for ya crazy inbred?" Lou asked with all the smoothness of an elephant walking on a turd.

"There have been complains…again"

"Like what?"

"Well, the smell for one"

"Barely noticed it"

"Also noise complain"

"Sorry, might have to speak up, my hearing has gone to shit after last night's party"

"The rent is another problem"

"Dammit Millybuddy, didn't I tell you I'll pay you as soon as I get confirmation that my liver has arrived in Ukraine"

"And also the sexual harassment from Zoe from 201"

There was a small pause "…she started it"

"Anyway, I've had it up till here, you and your freak show have one week to move out"

"hmm…"

With very little warning to his next move, Lou smashed Millfred's face in the wall, picked him up and tore the head from its shoulder with superhuman strength. Then he walked to the kitchen, picked up a straw and sat back on the couch "Second breakfast is ready" he shouted at Ken who was glued to the Tv watching SpongeBob SquarePants.

"Does he Is that Millfred-san?" Asked Ken.

"Uhu" Lou said as he popped the straw through the man's skull and brought it to his mouth.

Ken got a hold of the rest of Milfred and started to eat loudly "Hope the next landlord better taste desu" he said as his tentacles shoved an arm between its teeth.

Lou finished his slush and went to the kitchen to drink his favorite drink, pure bleach, because that's how much of a badass he was. But while trying to open the child lock he quickly realized his arm was still on the couch.

"Dammit, I sewed that fucking thing on yesterday"

Lou wasn't your average lowlife psychopath, he was your average UNDEAD lowlife psychopath. Cursed with eternal life after he died in a freak hot pockets microwave accident, he had been granted the curse of eternally life as a zombie till the end of time because the gods had deemed his death as 'lame'.

He didn't look dead, not always at least. The obvious Frankenstein-like sewing here and there often gave him away, but his often lose of limbs or body parts or the need to consume human brains were always a good conversation opener.

"Dammit Ken! Don't eat it!" he said as he saw his roommate grabbing the arm with its tentacles. The severed arm spastically started to slap Ken in the face as Lou took it back and took out a sewing needle and some thread.

At this point you might have some questions about the whole 'tentacle' aspect, well, Lou wasn't the only one that was special. Ken was the very first half human half octopus hybrid. The long lost bastard son of the great Chtulhu, back in the day when Poseidon had challenged him for the sovereign over the seas. It obviously ended with the god of the sea bend over squealing like a pig while the great and mighty Chtulhu had his way with the god's anal virginity. It is said that the great old one is so potent, that its seed can even impregnate a man. And thus, Ken was born, and quickly thrown away in the ocean by his father Poseidon who only saw the child as a reminder of his utter defeat and his still sore bum.

Ken however quickly made a name for himself and even started a career in the Japanese entertainment. Yes, those where good time for Ken, better known under his stage name: the Octorapist. Underage schoolgirls were in abundance and he had all the fame he always wanted, always looking at the sea in hope his father will acknowledge him. But with the coming of CGI and cheaper props, Ken quickly found himself on the streets only being able to star in a snuff film here and there while being high on coke and waking up days later in jail for apparently having eaten the extras.

He had found his way in the same package as a Japanese mail order bride that Lou had ordered on the internet and eaten the content, English sure wasn't his strong suit but he was learning, and he paid the rent with his little gigs, such as 'two girls 35 tentacles', when he wasn't either glued to the tv watching spongebob or knocked out behind a dumpster high on meth.

"Lou-kun, what we gonna do today? Desu bored"

"Mhe" Lou said as he finished stitching his arm "we could go brainhunting at the mall"

They both started laughing manically because the only shop that was still open after their last visit was a preppy shoe store and the luck of finding anyone with a brain there was less likely than he-man movie with no homoerotic overtones.

"No, seriously, play tha githa"

"k"

And he played, and it was awesome.

They then decided to go ride their bikes and have a picnic at the park, but before they could reach for the door, an explosion let the bedroom door fly through the living room and hit Lou in the head, taking it clean off.

"GaYNesS OVerlOAD, Cannot coMPUte" a robotic voice said as a man walked in the room.

"Why me?" Lou's head shouted, rolling on the floor as his decapitated body spastically slammed in all the walls the room had to offer.

"SourCE Of tHE GAynEss neutralized, CrISIs aVertED" MATT9000 said in a hectic voice flaying his arms up and down like a re-re bird "nO yAOi PerMiTteD WiTin 90,64372 YaRDs"

"Why did we buy this?" Lou whined.

"Desu like it" Ken responded looking up from behind the couch.

Lou and Ken had bought The MATT9000 by accident while trying to buy a toaster, unfortunately the Chinese shop owner forgot to mention that their toaster was actually a robot from the future send back to prevent one of the gayest fanfic to be written that would destroy the world by killing 99% of the world population with its graphic descriptions of male on male intercourse, and turning the remaining 1% gay, erasing any chance of the progression of the human population, unfortunately, the maker of The MATT9000 had already been afflicted by the fanfic, and had given MATT9000 some striptease and pole dancing upgrades, as well as a yellow banana string and a bow tie which couldn't be removed, and as a last pounding upon the poor machine he was unable to cover himself with clothes other that the banana tong, with the risk of malfunctioning.

"We just wanted to go on a picnic, there's nothing gay about it!" Lou shouted as his body walked out the door and fell down the stairs outside the apartment "Dammit, will someone help me?"

"Lolz k, lou, ill halp u" Raven said as she walked through the door.

"Oh god no, not you…" He said as his eyes looked around in panic.

She picked up Lou and started to throw him around in the air "Konichiwa raven-chan" Octorapist said.

"Whut append ere?" she said ignoring Lou's orders to put him down.

"CriSIs averted, gaYNeSs ClasS 3"

"ah" she said as she sat down on the couch still throwing the head up and down.

"So, what do we have your wretched presence to thank for?" Lou asked as she put him on the coffee table in front of her.

"Yes, STatE yOuR buISNEss"

"k, I av an idea to mke money and stuff"

"not again desu, last time me no walk for three days" Ken said remembering Raven's last 'gig' she had offered, which involved a movie that involved three very believable trannies that had duped poor Ken and made MATT9000 malfunction and go berserk trough the city once he saw the movie.

"no tis tim ish bettre, look!" she held a pair of keys in front of her with a smile like a nine year old who just received the biggest ice cream for free "I haf a van! We can go on adventur naw, sloving problms here and thre"

"How can we make money off that?" Lou asked.

"People very happy to pay for help" Ken stated.

"CuRRenCy fOR serVieceEs, SeemS LoGiCal"

"Mhe, it's not like we have anything better to do I guess, what kind of services did you have in mind, you old hag?"

"Donno, solfin misteris I gass?"

And then they agreed, because they were her bitches like that.

"Let's go check out your new ride"

"K, letz go"

Along the way, they found Lou's body and he had managed to put his head back on without having to give Ken a piggy back ride, they walked in search for the van that according to Raven's plot reading powers had to be somewhere close.

They found the 80's bitchin ride and their eyes sparkled as they opened the doors to the equivalent of heaven in the form of multiple absinth bottles and stacks of various mind altering goodies.

"nice rigt?" Raven said with a childish smile on her lips

"bitchin, for once I'm actually looking forward to be stuck in a close space with you faggots" Lou rearranged his head which still was slightly dangling on one side.

"etto…where do we go?" Ken asked with his eyes stuck on the stack of porn in the back of the van.

"I dnt kno, drive untl we cme across smoting?"

AND THEY DID, AND LOT OF FAGGOTRY ENSUED

* * *

Meanwhile:

"yes…It's him" Daphne said sobbing, barely holding herself together.

"All right, we just needed the confirmation, thank you and sorry for your loss" the physician closed the body bag and rolled the body back "if it's any consolation, it was over fast, they didn't feel a thing"

"Please don't" Daphne's tears flowed over her face.

"And your people didn't find anything?" a cold and calculated voice asked.

"our people are doing all they can to find the monster who did this"

Velma let out a soft chuckle "Monsters…tear down the masks and all there is underneath is a scared old man, I know of monsters, hell, we made a living hunting them down. Whatever did this wasn't a monster, there are no such things" the lit up a cigarette "just people"

"miss, you can't smoke here!

"it's all right, we're leaving anyway…come on Daphne" she said in her cold voice.

Daphne followed apologizing to the physician for her accomplice's behavior.

They walked out of the morgue "why would someone…what will we do now? They're gone…everything's gone" Daphne said sobbing

"Not everything" Velma said with a dark look in her eyes, they stepped outside of the hospital where a dog was waiting for them, Velma let her hand run along the fur on the beast "there's always vengeance"

End of chapter 1


End file.
